Grief and unforgiveness

Have you ever had something so awful in your past that you cannot forgive yourself for? I mean you've tried, and done some but the ghost come back to haunt you night and day.

You see all of life thru the lenses of your grief. I see that God forgives everyone for their sin, if we ask and I believe He does it, but I don't have enough grace? forgiveness? hope? love? to forgive myself.

Many years ago I made some extremely poor choices which cost me my firstborn son. You know in stories where the firstborn son is promised in exchange for some favor, but they don't want to give the child up when it comes down to it. Well I lost my son Marlon.

In doing this it colored how I was a mother to my beautiful daughter and son, it colored every relationship with mistrust and fear and caution. It devastated my family for losing the oldest grandson and it devastated the family of his father also.

I see the broad destruction that was meant to completely demolish my life and I feel like to some extent it has, but in other ways I've cried buckets of tears and clung to God.

I feel like I lost my heart and my soul and that I made such a fatal mistake that I do not deserve to ever recover-to ever have love in my life-to ever have a relationship with the lost son-to never have a happy day. I know those are all lies to disable me from being free to love and trust and to be successful.

I cannot get away from this day and night. I feel such feelings towards my lost son but I cannot put into words my sentiments.

Before he was born, I told him I had tried everything to keep him but I didn't see a road to doing it and I asked him to forgive me for being unprepared.

He seems open to relationship but my own lack of forgiveness prevents me reaching out to him in any real way.

Here in Costa Rica, his father's family lives and I have to face them and ask forgiveness that's already been given.

All I know is keep going forward and hope pray for breakthrough.

Salome visit the ER as a PATIENT!

Well, she went to sleep, then her foot fell asleep, then she got up to check on the boys and their toys, felt a horrible pain and

we headed off to the ER.

We spent several hours there, waiting in a full waiting room at 11pm and getting x-rays, and being examined. The doc believes that she has 1 or 2 torn ligaments in her ankle. Se torcio su tovio.

He also says that she needs to not be putting weight on it for 21-days so she borrowed crutches from the neighbors. She was suppose to get an injection of anti-inflammatory meds but after waiting around the nurses station with the injection in hand from the pharmacy, we decided it was so late we were going back home. So Salome was in a wheelchair, I could push her on flat surfaces, but Tanner had to push her onto the elevated surfaces, except he kept trying to fall asleep in the waiting room. Initially, she was leaning on him for support, but then he dropped her and she almost bit the dust. According to him-He almost killed her twice.

So, between the boys and Vale and I, we had to make the day work. I got up at 5:30am to get Vale up, Salome got up anyway. Fruitloops for breakfast, I was walking around as a zombie. Ko got up and got himself off to school. I drove Vale to school and got gas in the car, even though I wasn't sure I was going the right direction. It's all hills and valleys here.

Then Tanner was sleeping in cuz we got back at 1:30am. Then I drove Salome down the hill to the cow milking zone. Tanner went to cut down an old banana tree to feed the cow, but got the machete stuck when the tree fell over. He and I tried to pry it out, but then he had to get a second machete to get the first one out. Meanwhile Salome hops on one boot in and milks the cow.

I managed to slide into a fresh cow manure with my foot that was in a flip flop. It was disgusting. Of course the neighbor came by and said, some people felt that cow manure was very healing????!! what???

Then I got the van partially stuck trying to turn around to go back up the steep hill. I decided S wasn't going back down there.

Anyway Ko and I went down and did an awesome job of keeping the cow entertained with feed while we milked her. We got 4 liters of milk. Salome said this was a normal milking. The neighbor said they'd take the cow to their pasture and milk it till the buyer comes on Monday.

So No more milking cows. Hooray! I mean I can put it on my list of things I've learned to do with some proficiency but it's time to move onto a new adventure.

pocketbikes and gasoline

Pocketbike makes it trip to Costa Rica and head mechanic Ko starts putting it together and making adjustments.

He also mixes up some 2-stroke gas-mixture of gas and oil, and puts it in a COKE bottle.

It looks exactly like Red Fanta Colita and unsuspecting Tanner-drinks a big swallow.

After a few panicked minutes of looking up accidently swallowing gasoline online and then calling Poison Control from the US line-we give Tanner a big glass of milk.

He is told that he will have gas coming out both ends for several days.

Tanner can't stand the taste of the burps and gets the shop vac to suck the odor out.

He can breathe and the smell of gas odors is sickening from ten feet away for several days. Of course we avoid a trip to the Emergency Room but Poison Control calls back to see how he's doing.

They advise not keeping gas in a bottle with a coke label. Ko draws a picture of Tanner drinking and then Salome adds a poison sign.

Brothers!

i feel terrible

physical therapist working on me and home exercises leave me feeling bad 24/7. ugh!

this is not fun. i just feel like sleeping to get away from feeling terrible.

i'm worried i'll feel like this for the rest of my born days.

ugh!

speekie engie

Pocho's Song

Ella no va a Perez-She doesn't get to go to Perez

Yo voy hermano mio papa mio-I'm going, my brother, my dad

a Chespiritos-to Chespiritos

speekie engie ella es chapa-speaking english she is not with it

ella no va no puede-she can't go cuz she can't

Beverly puede va y papa Beverly y papa Beverly y papa-Beverly can go and dad, Beverly and dad, Beverly and dad

comer torta huevos en chespiritos-to eat egg omelette at Chespiritos

y ella no va ella es chapa-and she can't go cuz she's not with it

ella es muy vaga -she is very lazy

speekie ella no va a Chespiritos-speaking she isn't going to chespiritos

solo la macha-only the blond

This young man is Rolando, they call him Pocho.

He is singing a song about how he, his brother, his father will go to Perez. And that Salome, who he calls speekie engie (speaking english) is too chapa (not with it) and she has to stay home and milk the cow.

Then he sings that Beverly, and him will go and eat an egg tort at Chespiritos but Salome can't go. And the macha (blond) will go too. He has a thing for blonds. He says he wants to dance and kiss her and punch outher husband.

This is a conversation that he and Salome always have.

He is playing the guitar and having a great time.

what's God saying

All that stuff you've been too afraid to do. . . Take courage and do it.

Take a risk and go for it.

You may feel like you will be too afraid again and fail but this time is different. God is with you.

He set you in the direction and he will sustain you to do it.

As Nike says; JUST DO IT!

List of daily things to watch out for

1. Check for scorpions in your shoes before you put them on.

2. Check the shower for tarantulas, spiders or snakes that may be hanging out.

3. Check for worms when you strain your fresh orange juice.

4. Watch out for potholes on the road, since there are more holes than road.

5. Listen for someone yelling-"Ooopey!" at your front gate, because they may be selling something delicious like fruit, milk, bread.

6. Check for ants crawling into the sugar.

7. Watch out for flies landing on your plate.

8. Hang your clothes on the line to dry, but watch for the sudden rainstorm or you'll have to restart the drying process.

9. Check your bed for spiders, tarantulas, or scorpions that may have crawled in before you.

10. Try to sleep while you hear the cow banging on the back door.

11. Don't forget to set the alarm on your house if you leave.

12. Don't forget to put The Club on your steering wheel if you park your car anywhere.

13. If walking, remember pedestrians are run over every day for not being cautious of crazy driving.

14. Close your screens at night or the flying dung beetles will dive bomb you while your reading a book.

15. When milking the cow, give her a karate chop to the shin if she tries to put her foot in the milk bucket.

16. When you name your dog "snickers" don't be surprised if she always sneaks off.

17. When walking near the cow, she can drop a fast one and spray you from ten feet away. ick! gross!

18. Three cars and one guy on a bike can make it on a street built for 2 cars-but without painted lines!

19. Memorize where the yield signs used to be, because some fall over and you need to know who crosses first on single lane bridges.

20. Don't let the fact that everything seems so strange get you down from how great it is!

yard work

Here I am giving a haircut to a giant plant.

My wheelbarrow full of overgrown rose bushes.

The chicken who gives us one organic egg per day.

My sister Salome who is taking yard debris to a pile, taking the recycling bucket to dump and the milk bucket. Yow! That's whose really doing the hard work!!!

Potholes and motorcycles

This nice young man has a motorcycle as you can clearly see the handlebars of it.

He drives down the road with his reflective vest and honks at you if you pass by.

People drive by and tell him-hueco, hueco! Meaning "Watch out for that pothole!"

He looks down and doesn't see a pothole and gets mad for people teasing him.

He's one of the local specials.

So far he hasn't gotten any speeding tickets on his motorcycle!

troubles got you down? just swing!

Feeling low

don't know where to go

just hang upside down

you soon feel right side

up again

just swing

swing

it really is relaxing and

soothing and makes you

smile when you feel

like crying

just swing!

Creepy as hell! then prayer!!

This was taken on the tamal making night. My camera has a feature to focus on faces. I looked thru and focused on the guys, as I snapped the picture, I heard the camera adjust it's focus.

This is the only picture in the series that came out of focus except for the orb -rainbow and a guy with a mean face who appears to be hovering above the pastor's hand, or speaking into the ear of the man with the hat.

I showed this picture to the youth meeting at Salome's house and they felt in their spirits-it was an evil spirit-possibly the spirit of death. They agreed that if a person gives an evil spirit the right to hang around-another person cannot ask it to leave, but that we could-as a group-pray for protection for these men and the church.

We began praying and a sweet presence of God came. Some weeped, some felt a powerful heaviness that felt light, I saw angels encircling us. I saw a big tall tree in the middle of us with fire coming out of the top. I saw the youth propping up the side of their church with prayer. It was a very powerful time-we all felt a very intense good spirit.

tamal making

Outdoor cooking over wood in half a 55 gallon barrel

Finished ready

to eat tamal

Mariela mixing

the masa

Assembly line

production

My sister Salome with her beautiful chopped red chilies. Antonia-head chef with her ball of masa

This was a fundraiser for the church. They made 250 tamales and spent from 8:00 am to midnight

making the tamales which sell for the equivalent of $1.40 for 2. Wow!

hair hair hair

new haircut $3.00

this attractive photo of my sister before her haircut-priceless!

other strange sightings

Can of soda with a top like a soda can and the bottom like a plastic bottle.

When you get a mango ice cream, they give you packets of salt to sprinkle on it as you eat it>

Hair Conditioner called Cholesterol!

Hey-I'm not putting that in my hair!

butterfly dreams

This beautiful butterfly got stuck in the house so it posed for me. This is a jeans model I ran across in Grecia.

S goes to the ropa Americana-basically goodwill -and the stuff is cheap-shirts for $1 or shorts for $6.

Cheetah surprise

Me: Hello, I am having problems due to an accident that happened 10 months ago. I still have back pain, nerve pain misfirings, and muscle tension.

G: Ok, come in and we’ll do an interview.

She appears at the door of her office in a small strip mall. The practice is called

Siloe. She is wearing a soft carnation pink medical top with her name embroderied on it stating Licensed Gabriela.

She is in her twenties, brown hair and eyes like all ticas. She is very nice and has Christian music playing in the office.

We walk down a short hallway and into a room with 2 massage beds. After a short interview of my vitals and where and when I hurt and what exaserbates it, she asks for me to stand and then to sit on her massage table.

She exams my back. Checking to see where the main tension of things and deciding where to start.

G: Ok, take off your dress now.

Me:( what, no gown?!?)

Salome: I’m leaving now! No really I’m leaving, I have to go pick up Valeria from school.

Me: (great, I wore my cheetah underwear! Wait, this is Costa Rica, everyone wears wild things) I take off my dress feeling quite bare in my underthings.

G: ok, lay down, with your face down and tell me if you get uncomfortable and I’ll give you a break.

She proceeds to place electrodes and heat on my back, meanwhile singing along with her music. She makes the pulse of the electrode and says-It shouldn’t hurt, tell me if it’s too much. It feels like ant generals are pinching me for the next 15 minutes, sometimes which pinch too hard. She is wearing brown pants and brown shoes with a spring of straps popping out of the front, which I now use to measure where she’s working as I look down towards the floor.

Afterwards, she does ultrasound and massage. Then she takes the electrodes off and after giving me a brief rest to sit up and move my stiff neck around, she says to lay down again.

Hey, I’m in my cheetah undies, not many options but to humbly obey. She then puts cold packs on my back. She is standing off to my left. I feel what feels like squirt guns with cold water shooting me in the side.

I think to myself, it’s a test that she’s checking my reactions to some stimulous. But I just lay there. The squirting continues as she walks across the room and I realize that the bag of cold water is leaking and squirting out on me. I laugh quietly to myself and keep telling myself to relax.

Then she takes the water bags off and mop me up. She then goes to the end of the table, grabs my legs gently pulls and then spreads them. I hear her crawl up on the table and then she kneels, resting her legs on my thighs and she starts doing stabbing spider hands to specific sore spots on my back. She then digs in her elbows, while still balancing on my thighs. I am startled. I’ve had many massages, but have never had the massieus climb on top of me and spider my back.

She gets off, does some more massage and then says ok done.

She asks me how I feel and hands me back my dress. I say, actually, more relaxed and not so tense. She gives me an exercise to do at home and we make an appointment for 2 days from now.

For one hour of work, it’s a mere $20 or Ë10,000 colones.

I feel relaxed but also take some pain meds as I know that after a treatment I usually feel bad. And I have to drink extra water to recoup myself too.

random misfiring of nerves

because there is 2 of my discs in my back touching my spinal column-there is a misfiring of communication occuring. i've had a lot of phantom sensations in my right leg especially. I had the feeling of cold water running down my ankle and hot water bubbling up from under my foot.

I'll get a pinch or biting feeling in my right shoulder blade or my right or left arm, but I check and nothing or no one is pinching or biting me. : )

This is obnoxious and strange but I'm stretching out my neck and back to try to allow space for the disc to 'jog' back into place.

it's like the twilight zone-is it there or isn't it????!?!?!?!?

Shoulder/back therapy

I was able to borrow a guitar, which I had to restring and tune, with much difficulty.

Here I am happily practicing. I gotta keep my guitar playing going.

I sing worship songs and we may borrow another guitar as Vale and Ko are excited about another instrument in the house.

There is a keyboard and recorder that are well loved here.

Volcan Arenal hot springs

This is the active volcano Arenal. The kids got a little stir crazy in the car. We went to the hot springs at a Tico resort and also to a river with hot volcanic waters to see how it would help my back and shoulder.

It was soothing sitting in the hot pools, Ko of course sat in the hotest one and even stuck his head in it. Vale preferred the one with the slide into it. Salome hates! hot water so she hung out in the cool pool.

When I got too heated up, I'd go join her in the cool pool. It was an awesome day, somewhat overcast but I still managed to get some sun! ahhh!

siguey fredo prays for me

We were driving thru San Ramon and Salome said, I'd really like for Siguey to pray for you, but I don't know where he lives. Then she said, There he is! Divine Appointment-Yeah!

Siguey is a man of great faith. He had a severe heart problem and lost a lot of weight. God gave him some verses to pray over himself daily till he was healed. Now he prays for people and gives them the verses to pray overthemselves.

We went to his house and read the verses and he and his family and Salome and Ko prayed for me.

I felt released from much self-imposed punishment from my past evil deeds. I felt like I deserved every bad thing to happen to me since I had not been perfect. But God is forgiving. and He promises healing.

So these are the verses that I wrote up on my wall and pray them over myself daily.

Pray for my body to come into alignment with the Word of God for health.

Prov 3:8

Prov 4:22

Ex 15:26

Jeremiah 17!4

Psalms 107:20

Psalms 103:2,3

Jeremia 30:17

2 Kings 8:14

Luke 5:17

Mark 6:56

James 5:16

Psalms 147:3

Matthew 12:15

Matthew 9:35

Job 42:10

John 5:15

Psalms 30:2

Isaiah 53:5

Mark 5:28

John 11:4

Dueteronomy 7:15

Acts 28:9

2 Chronicals 6:28.29

I feel jumps of improvement but still am struggling with normal activities.

Thanks for your prayers

did you hear the one about the chair with the wooden leg. . .

In Costa Rica, you can't just go get parts for things. So when a wheel breaks, then you make a wooden leg!

This is Valeria singing in the choro. They have festivals here in Sarchi and her group from school was invited to sing.

hole in the wall shoe store

This is a small entrance between 2 houses. This man set up a shoe store. I have no idea what the organization is there. He is suppose to be a good shoe repairman. He says that people describe the shoe and then he remembers where he put it.

Some shoes have been there over a year.

Imagine working whith the smell of a thousand dirty feet!

Good things come in small packages.

sitting hurts my back

Sitting for any length of time does terrible things on my back. It gets into a big twisted knot. My left arm and half the length of my right have been going numb when I lay on my right side to sleep. Delightful!

and sitting without getting up to walk for 5 minutes or laying down to relieve the pressure causes much spasms and pain and muscle tension. Trying exercise muscle relaxers and pain pills and rest and frequent movement to resolve this.

I worry I won't be able to work a desk job due to limited ability to sit.

I'm going to keep praying.

emergency room visit

Koda and a fish hook with the worm still attached.

As the story goes-Ko was fishing and somehow the line got caught in his feet and when he tried to throw the hook it ended up deeply embeded in his finger. He tried to get it out by going forward but it hurt to much.

The ER doc gave him anesthetic and pulled it out. ouch!

birhdays

Took a ride to see cousins and ended up there on their birthdays. Georgina and Darley so we had cake and got to see our cousins Horacio and Andres and Bernal (no pic)

Haven't seen them for over 9 1/2 years. We all have gotten older and the kids are are grown now. It's strange to be in my aunt's house when she's been gone now 10 years.

Georgi's kids Jennifer and Diego were wild.