Grief and unforgiveness

Have you ever had something so awful in your past that you cannot forgive yourself for? I mean you've tried, and done some but the ghost come back to haunt you night and day.

You see all of life thru the lenses of your grief. I see that God forgives everyone for their sin, if we ask and I believe He does it, but I don't have enough grace? forgiveness? hope? love? to forgive myself.

Many years ago I made some extremely poor choices which cost me my firstborn son. You know in stories where the firstborn son is promised in exchange for some favor, but they don't want to give the child up when it comes down to it. Well I lost my son Marlon.

In doing this it colored how I was a mother to my beautiful daughter and son, it colored every relationship with mistrust and fear and caution. It devastated my family for losing the oldest grandson and it devastated the family of his father also.

I see the broad destruction that was meant to completely demolish my life and I feel like to some extent it has, but in other ways I've cried buckets of tears and clung to God.

I feel like I lost my heart and my soul and that I made such a fatal mistake that I do not deserve to ever recover-to ever have love in my life-to ever have a relationship with the lost son-to never have a happy day. I know those are all lies to disable me from being free to love and trust and to be successful.

I cannot get away from this day and night. I feel such feelings towards my lost son but I cannot put into words my sentiments.

Before he was born, I told him I had tried everything to keep him but I didn't see a road to doing it and I asked him to forgive me for being unprepared.

He seems open to relationship but my own lack of forgiveness prevents me reaching out to him in any real way.

Here in Costa Rica, his father's family lives and I have to face them and ask forgiveness that's already been given.

All I know is keep going forward and hope pray for breakthrough.